For many, the holidays are “the most wonderful time of year,” while for others, they represent the opposite. Though the common holiday stressors associated with gift giving, travel, and social anxiety involve interactions with others, many people actually experience serious bouts of loneliness during this time. A recent study by consumer researcher Value Penguin found that 61% of U.S. consumers believed they would experience loneliness or sadness over the holidays, with almost one and four saying that they would skip them altogether if they could. 

Loneliness during the holidays is certainly nothing new. Songs about it have made their way into popular culture, for example. “What Do the Lonely Do at Christmas,” by the Emotions, has become a holiday staple. “Please Come Home for Christmas,” about a grieving, lonely lover, written and performed by R&B singer Charles Brown in 1960, struck such a chord with the public that it has been covered by numerous artists in the succeeding years, including the Eagles, Etta James, Cher, Alicia Keys, Kelly Clarkson, and an iconic version sung by Aaron Neville.

Loneliness remains one of the country’s most persistent health challenges, a condition that can be exacerbated during the winter months’ holidays. For some, the holidays are anguishing reminders of happier times spent with loved ones who are no longer present. Others may intentionally isolate themselves because they feel that they cannot keep up with the expectations others have of them to spend money socializing, making purchases, or taking trips. Still others are naturally uncomfortable around people, and the push to socialize during the holidays makes the situation worse.

Protecting Your Mental Health

Bernard Richardson, Ph.D., (B.A. ’75) is dean of Howard University’s Andrew Rankin Chapel and a tenured associate professor in Howard’s School of Divinity. In addition to religious leadership, he has also served as a counseling specialist and mental health therapist. He notes that protecting mental health during the holidays is important.

“The most critical aspect of loneliness is societal or cultural expectations, when people think things are supposed to be a certain way,” Richardson said. “These could be heightened expectations that you have to be in a relationship or do certain things during the holidays. That just adds to a sense of frustration. Then you have this false impression that everybody is happy, and everybody is doing better but you. But that’s not real.”

Particularly in an era where people glamourize their lives through social media sharing, seeing others seemingly having a great time can have a depressive effect. It can make some feel as if they are doing something wrong, are inadequate, or are missing something important. It can cause them to retreat even further. Although loneliness may seem like a normal part of life, it is important to take it seriously. Loneliness can lead to isolation, which can lead to depression. 

“People confuse loneliness with depression,” Richardson said. “Loneliness is a feeling, not a fact. You can be with people and still feel alone, and you can be alone and not feel lonely. You can be very lonely surrounded by people, because loneliness is not just about people. It can be about not feeling connected to either people, places, or objects.”

Ultimately, Richardson said, loneliness is a part of human nature. While we may naturally rush to “cure it,” treating it as a problem to be solved is not always the right approach. 

“We have to be careful when we talk about a cure,” Richardson said. “Loneliness is universal. It can be a season; it can be a day. You don’t know. It could be moving a person toward a new way of living their lives.”

Holiday loneliness is part of a much broader increase in reported loneliness around the world, fueled by an emotional hangover still lingering following years of remote learning and work, digital communication, and fewer multigenerational interactions, according to Howard University faculty member Danielle Hairston (M.D. '12). A board-certified psychiatrist, Dr. Hairston is director of residency training in the Department of Psychiatry at the Howard University College of Medicine. She is also the scientific program chair for Black Psychiatrists of America and the president of the American Psychiatric Association's Black Caucus.

Hairston points to a recent survey from the American Psychiatric Association that found that one in three adults report feeling lonely at least once a week, and 10% say they feel lonely every day. Only 23% of adults feel less lonely than they did before COVID-19. Adults aged 18 to 34 report the highest frequency of isolation, a trend Hairston describes as a “prolonged shift” in how people connect after the pandemic.

“We’re in a post-COVID world forever,” she said. “Technology helps people engage, but we still have to ask whether these are meaningful connections or superficial ones.”  

End-of-the-year pressures can intensify those feelings. The winter stretch, which includes college finals, gift-giving pressure, travel expenses, family tensions, and more, can also drive stress. 

One Step at a Time

To be sure, the holidays can help restore connections and add to a sense of life fulfillment for those who are able to make the most of the season. In fact, according to the Annenberg Public Policy Center, December has the lowest daily suicide rates of any month during the year. Still, it is important that people experiencing loneliness take stock of their situation and that those who love them help create the best environment for the lonely person’s immediate well-being and long-term happiness. 

Hairston provided some insight that might lighten the load for some who feel lonely this winter. 

1. Withdrawal can deepen isolation.

Hairston said that many people respond by retreating, believing time alone will reduce pressure. Pulling back may feel like a reset, but withdrawal can deepen isolation rather than ease it. Stepping away from regular interaction — whether skipping group chats, avoiding meet ups, or staying off the radar — thins out personal connections, she warned. In the winter months, with shorter days and less natural movement, that quiet can slide into disconnection.

“You think you’re escaping by pulling back,” she said. “But that drawback leads to loneliness, and it can become a cycle.”

2. Create your own traditions.

Family gatherings don’t have to follow old scripts, especially if those patterns carry tension, grief, or pressure. Hairston said her family is switching things up after a prolonged stretch of seeing each other only at funerals. She organized a winter trip at a Jamaican resort, gave relatives months of notice, and invited everyone to participate. The invitation went to about 60 family members, and roughly 10 decided to participate. 

“I told them we’re going to do something that isn’t about loss — we’re going to make memories on purpose,” she said. “I’ll remember that forever because it was finally fun, not just something everyone in the family had to do.”

They spent Christmas on the beach, held a pajama gift exchange, and focused on making memories rather than meeting weighty family obligations.

3. Boundaries are part of well-being.

Hairston said winter gatherings can pull up old roles and conflicts, but adults don’t have to accept scripts that no longer serve them. Not every holiday conversation, expectation, or family dynamic needs a response. A pause, a walk, a changed subject, or even declining an event can protect personal connections rather than rupture them.

“Everyone doesn’t have that picture-perfect holiday,” she said. “You can still show up, but you get to decide how and on what terms.”

4. Text someone you haven’t reached out to in months.

A check-in can interrupt isolation for both sender and receiver, Hairston says, especially in a season when silence can feel heavy. The person may not respond right away, but reaching out signals care, reopens a line of connection and reminds each side of the exchange that distance doesn’t have to mean disconnection.

“Go ahead and send that text,” she said. “You never know — they might be feeling the same loneliness and be glad you reached out.”

5. A break should really be a break.

Let a pause be a pause and use that time to rejuvenate and refresh your mental health. Time off isn’t a mandate to reorganize your life, fix every routine, or meet every delayed expectation before January. Hairston says rest only works when it isn’t packed out with errands, travel marathons, or demanding family obligations. 

“Take full advantage of your time off,” she said. “Rest is resistance. Don’t replace everyday stress with holiday stress. Actually let yourself rest.”

6. Give back to the community.

Hairston says Black communities, like many others, have historically survived through shared space, shared labor, and mutual care. The holiday season doesn’t have to center only on receiving; it can be a moment to reconnect intentionally across generations by showing up, volunteering, sharing a meal, or checking in on neighbors and elders who may not ask for help.

“Community is how we’ve always held each other,” she said. “Sometimes giving is the very thing that makes you feel connected again.”

One Size Does Not Fit All

With the best of intentions, people who are looking forward to a happy and memorable holiday season may find it natural to altruistically reach out to those who they perceive as lonely. However, those efforts should be based on what is most helpful to the lonely person. An outgoing person who invites a friend with social anxiety to a large, gregarious family function might do more harm than good, for example. Members of the family know each other, share common experiences, and understand how to elicit laughter from their relatives. The lonely person doesn’t share that commonality and may feel even more isolated as a result.

It is essential to realize that the optimal approach to helping anyone who is lonely is unique to that person, and one size does not fit all, cautioned Richardson. It is important to allow people to make their own choices. Sometimes, people are simply putting themselves into a space where they can quietly make changes in their lives. 

“Be present with them,” Richardson said. “That’s the most important thing. You can invite without pressure. What people really want is your presence.

“You listen and you ask if you can help. Depending on your relationship with them, ask them, ‘How can I best be your friend today? What do you need from me in this moment, if anything?’ You give people space to explore where they are.”

It is also important for people to really understand what they are going through, according to Richardson, because loneliness, isolation, and depression are not the same things. People experiencing a mental health situation need not feel stigmatized and should get the help they need, whether that’s simple human connection or formal medical treatment. He noted that it is critical for people to recognize that they are not the only ones having a tough time and give themselves the freedom to feel what they are feeling. 

“There is nothing to be ashamed of,” said Richardson. “It’s a universal experience, and that’s important to understand. People beat themselves up thinking that they shouldn’t feel this way. It’s not a sign of weakness. It’s a signal, something to let you know that you want a deeper connection with people, a sense of purpose, or a more meaningful spiritual connection.  It is important that you manage expectations during this time and ask yourself, ‘What am I searching for?’ It is not a time to beat yourself up. It’s a time to gain insight and understanding.”

Editorial note: Mental health is important, and there is help for serious mental health issues. Those experiencing a crisis can dial 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.